he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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