Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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