it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
