i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
