I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
