then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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