so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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