Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
