She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
we should paint friendship bongs
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
