so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
