turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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