she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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