So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Randomize
