There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Randomize
