my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
