I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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