The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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