hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We're too hungover to prance.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
