i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
