MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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