I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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