If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
