Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
