On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
