hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
