I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
