I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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