hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
