happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
