My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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