i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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