Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
