She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I had to cum in my sink.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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