someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
