3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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