My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize