I feel great
I just peed on a car
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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