Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize