I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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