My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
