I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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