I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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