My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
