I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
