and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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