Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
