i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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