guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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