We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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