First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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