Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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