I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Randomize
