Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
