I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
