I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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