Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Randomize
